i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize