She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
