You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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