ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
