Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
