why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
