he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
