I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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