I wish I could teleport
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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