My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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