whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
