she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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