You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
