I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
