When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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