He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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