I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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