I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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