She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
