just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
