Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
