I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
my poor anus
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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