I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
