I just pynch a tree in the face
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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