i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just found a bag of teeth...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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