if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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