we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize