i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
