Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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