I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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