remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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