I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
