I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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