Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
