a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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