im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Randomize
