tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
