so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
