So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Randomize