i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize