There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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