Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
