Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
