Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
