So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
