Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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