If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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