I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize