p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
