Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
