He kissed a someone with a penis
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
