You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
