i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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