Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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