my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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