someone get that fucking seahorse.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
