Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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