I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
