FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
