Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I need a beard to bite.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
