They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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