Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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