I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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