i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
