bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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